Big Feelings and Kisses Better

Ivie and I had a doozie of a moment on Monday. It left me drained and rattled and questioning everything I thought I knew about being a mother.

The rundown?

Ivie doesn't watch much TV - she didn't watch any until she was 20 months old. This has been a parenting choice that is important to us. And while she can watch TV now, her viewing habits are pretty restricted. She basically can watch Mickey Mouse, Little Einsteins, Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock - preferably all streamed via computer and without commercials. We also try to keep it to a single show, every other day.

Because she goes to Darci's house (our adopted grandma and babysitter) on T, W and TH - she gets to watch Mickey Mouse there.

However, over the last couple weeks Trevor and I have been so swamped with school and work that we have found ourselves letting Ivie watch her shows a little more frequently. We reprimanded ourselves and decided to cut back again.

Problem is that Ivie LOVES Mickey Mouse, and wants to watch Mickey Mouse all the time.

So, Monday:

Ivie requested to watch Mickey Mouse.
I told her we weren't going to watch Mickey Mouse or any shows today, but that Mommy was home all day and we could play whatever she'd like.
TOTAL and COMPLETE MELTDOWN
I'll be the first to admit that temper tantrums completely grate my nerves, and I don't cope well with them. I set Ivie on the couch and told her I'd talk with her when her fit was over. Isolate and ignore right? That's what almost every parenting article/book I've ever read says to do.
Well, 30 minutes later she hadn't even missed beat in her screaming and wailing.
Next I tried to talk to her a little - met by more screaming.
So I went back to the kitchen and tried to distract her "I would love it if you'd come in and help me cook lunch for Daddy" "Mom is going to do the dishes now, I sure need a happy helper."
No bites.
Fit continues.
40 minutes in I go in and  tell Ivie that I am going to hold her until she calms down. I try and tell her that I love her and to take deep breaths. All that good positive, calming chatter that is supposed to tame a tantrum.
No avail.

And then I lost it. I snapped, yelled, swatted her bottom and sent her to her room.

THEN I felt AWFUL.

Ten minutes later Ivie has calmed down, but I'm still pretty upset. She came out of her room and I held her. I tried to talk with her about her feelings, mommy's reaction and more. EPIC FAIL ROUND 2

Mommy: You were feeling mad because Mom said we weren't going to watch Mickey.
Ivie - nodding
Mommy: Then Mommy got mad too huh?
Ivie - nodding
Mommy - Does it make you sad when mommy gets mad at you?
Ivie with a devilish glint in eye - No, I happy.
Mommy - No, you are not happy. You are sad. I am sad. I am sad we got mad at each other. Aren't you sad?
Ivie: (laughing) No, I happy.

And then I lost it again. I set her down and put myself in a time-out in my room while she began happily playing with her toys. I was so upset. I sent Trevor a flurry of irrational text messages about how I was obviously failing as a mother. How maybe I should keep working, because she doesn't act like this when she is with Darci, who is clearly doing a better job raising our daughter then I am. About how our daughter has no idea how to understand emotions or empathy and just might be a sociopath.

Five minutes later my phone rang. It was Darci.

I answered and ended up spilling my guts to her. After a good conversation and some rebuilding of my mommy self-esteem I felt better.

I realized that Ivie is still little. She is still learning emotions. Sometimes she seems to mature about this in other areas that I expect too much of her all the time.

For instance, last week I was surprised and touched by her emotional understanding of the following incident.

Anytime Ivie gets hurt these days she wants a "keess." We fix-up bumps on the head, hands, knees, or any aching part with a quick kiss and then she is as good as new.

While she and I were playing CandyLand she got excited and swung her little game piece around quickly, bashing her fist directly into my eye. It  hurt and I exclaimed, "Oh Sweetheart! You hurt Mommy's eye! Please be careful"  With all the concern in the world, she laid her hand on my shoulder, brought her little face within inches of mine and said, "No worry Mommy. Daddy keess you better." She then took off yelling for Daddy to come and "Keess Mommy!"

So precious. And I thought it was a good sign that emotional understanding and intelligence had developed.

 Then fast forward to our mutual meltdown last Monday.

Ivie is still little. She is learning how to push buttons. And she can't always be practically perfect.

I'm still a new mom. I'm still learning to be a mom. I can't always be practicality perfect. 

We are going to have hard moments. We will have moments that make me question everything I think about being a mom, and everything I know about trying to raise a healthy, happy child.

But there will be a million beautiful moments too, and I'm clinging to that. And when the hard moments come, we'll just kiss them better.  

The Pinterest Paradox....and some park-playing

My cute friend shared this joke with me a few days ago:I laughed, but the sentiment got me thinking as well.

In the blur of the end-of-the-semester (end-of-career WEIRD!) general feeling of overwhelmed-ness, I've found myself using pinterest for a little on-line therapy on more than one occasion. I'm not sure why - put looking at creative,crafty, cute or interesting things online is sort of satisfying.I know plenty of people who claim pinterest is just another online time-suck. And they are right, I can easily see how you can spend too much time looking at life on pinterest as opposed to living it.

So I made a deal with myself.

If I am going to use pinterest - with the assumption that I'm learning things to further enrich and enjoy my life - then I have to actually DO one thing that I discover there each week.

Otherwise, all I am doing is wasting time.

So this week I tried a darling idea I discovered about toddler finger-painting. And I have to say, it was a big hit with my toddler!The original idea comes from The Hippie Housewife (officially love her!) and you can find the link here.

The gist is that you pour some paint into a sealed ziploc bag, seal it and then tape it down to the kitchen table. By sliding a piece of paper underneath the bag you create the effect of finger painting on paper.Ivie loved squishing the paint around - and sat and painted for a full 40 minutes! (That's like eons in Ivie time)We let the paint dry in the bags and then hung them up of the fridge. She is still very proud of "Me paints!"(The blurred hands in this picture are from some furious clapping, applause for her own artwork)

So - it is safe to say that our first Pinterest experiment was a big hit - we'll definitely be back for more.We spent the rest of our Saturday hiking, biking, feeding the ducks at the nature center and playing at the park with Daddy. Here are some of my favorite park pictures.(Just pointing out that the gloves on Trevor's hands are bike gloves - 'cause we rode our bike to the park - it's not some sort of weirdo fashion statement - Once my grandmother was looking at a bunch of biking pictures of us and exclaimed, "are those kinds of gloves what men are wearing now?")
I love Saturdays like this, and am looking forward to more pinterest inspired projects and activities.

Because My Daughter Needs Me

By now some of you know, some of you don't - that I have decided this is my last semester at Dixie State College. So many of my thoughts and emotions about this have been pretty tender lately, sparked by my own internal conflict as well as the public conversation about this very topic touched off by Hillary Rosen and Anne Rommney's tacit exchanges.

I made this decision more than eight months ago, but have put off writing about it because I was still (and sometimes AM still) sorting out my feelings about it all.The long story short: midway through Fall semester I was losing it. My classes and administrative duties at Dixie have grown more demanding, while simultaneously my little girl has also grown bigger and more demanding, while simultaneously Trevor's life demands have meant he can help me juggle it all even less. On the verge of a complete and utter mental breakdown, I told Trevor I was going to see a therapist.

I do this every few years. I am not a girl who adjusts to major life changes well, and inevitably when they come (getting married, Trev's second bout of cancer, having a baby) I need help to process it all. I am a huge proponent of counseling, and think it is especially important for women. So I usually end up working through my major changes every couple years for a couple of months with an expert. I'm pretty sure there are names for people like me in psychologist's circles, so I figure I may as well take advantage of their expertise.

Anyway - so back last semester I worked with a lovely lady. After talking a lot with her and Trevor it became clear to me that I needed to make a choice, and I chose to turn in my official resignation to DSC.Some women can do it all. I am amazed by them. I always thought I could be one of them - and I could make myself be a good working woman, a good mama, a good wife and a good person in general. I know I am capable of doing that. However, I have an extreme Type A personality and in trying to do it all, all I could really see is that I was doing it all half-throttle. And in splitting myself in so many different directions I wasn't really enjoying any of it. In trying to manage it all I was missing it all too.I have an amazing husband. We have been blessed with an extremely supportive and generous family that have helped us build a solid foundation financially and Trevor is incredibly bright, dedicated and hardworking. His work opportunities right now have really blossomed, and there isn't a financial need for me to work as much.

But Trevor has always maintained that my decisions about family and career are exactly that - MINE. He has always promised support in whatever I choose.You'd think that would make it easy - but it sort of made it harder. I had to take total responsibility for my choice, and it is a choice between two things very important to me.
Ultimately, I decided to stay home, take care of my daughter, vacuum a little more frequently and focus on both my freelance and creative writing and publishing.But saying goodbye hasn't been easy. I have built the program I am in charge of at Dixie. In many ways, it has been my second baby. I have also worked since I was 15 - in a lot of ways work defines me, and I am not sure how to cope without receiving a paycheck and accolades for career oriented accomplishments.Additionally, I am a little apprehensive about the increased pressure that staying home carries with it - after all, Trev and I have always agreed that if one of us stayed home it meant that this would become that person's full time job - translating into an eight hour shift of cleaning, cooking and building a home that is safe and warm and a place we all want to be. Truth be told, working has always provided me the justification and excuse of "being too tired" to do laundry on time or vacuum even when our living room is in desperate need. It has provided a reason to order in take-out and throw Trev's shirts back in the dryer with a wet wash cloth instead of busting out the iron. I know that both of us have different expectations about how our home will look and feel if one of us is here full-time.As the last three weeks of the semester - and my career for a time - wind down, my emotions are mixed and bittersweet. However, I saw this link posted by a friend on FB today, and it warmed my heart. (Seriously! I know this has already been a long post, but I LOVED this article - read it!)

I have made this choice because my daughter needs me...but, also because I need her. And for a time, I can put the soap-flowers, teaching the creative writing courses I love, and attending professional conferences on hold. I may go back some day, I may not. I'll cross that bridge when it appears.I'm so grateful to be a woman that does have a choice. I'm so grateful to be married to a man who honors my choices, no matter what they are because he trusts me to do what is right for me. I'm honored to associate with wonderful women who have embraced their own choices and who are dedicated to their homes, their jobs or both.

Real Short

Finding some Fun

What do you do after you book 10 days in the campground at Glacier National Park for summer 2012?

You buy a travel trailer of course!

Check out our cute little trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKkw5XCFaW0&

WE ARE STOKED!!!!

We already have a book for a Captian's Log, but we are taking name suggestions for our new voyager...got any ideas?

"Stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona"

Wood or stone?Both! Once wood, now Stone - welcome to the Petrified Forest

After telling me that he didn't think there was any way he could take off from work and school for Spring Break, I was completely ELATED when Trevor came home early last week and announced that he could take a long weekend and we could go camping and biking in the Petrified Forest.

The reasons this was awesome?
1 - I've spent maybe a total of 24 waking hours with Trevor over the last TWO weeks. Blah. I never see him these days - Ivie has seen him even less since he is often home after she is in bed.
2 - We love camping. I ESPECIALLY love camping food actually :)
3 - It was the Petrified Forest - A National Park, which marks one more NP on our life-long list of destinations.

Trevor and I have a life-long goal of visiting all the National Parks. There are 58 in total - we have been (counting the Petrified Forest) to ten together so far. Individually, we have been to more, but the goal rule is that we have to hit them all up together.This trip was FABULOUS and FUNNY in so many ways. I also had lots of deep and philosophical-ish thoughts on this trip, resulting in many things that I'd like to blog about. However, to do so in a single post would net an entry far too long for even my most dedicated readers. I am hoping to blog about some of these things individually over the next week. Here is the preview topic list:

1. Why I believe in National Parks
2. I am a chameleon, but I think I'm okay with it
3. Why I love road trips
4. Route 66
5. Life changes in a hurry

BUT - before we can delve into any deep thoughts on such subjects, you have to first understand the random hilarity of the trip.

Thursday - we threw all our stuff in the car and took off. I love road trips with Trevor for too many reasons to count. We just always have a great time. We get to really visit and talk, like deep conversations about culture, politics, religion etc. It is the sort of conversations that initially drew us together back YEARS ago. When we were dating we would talk and talk and talk all the time. These last few years our conversations all too often revolve around who is going to be home when to tend the baby or pick up dog poop.

But on road trips, we get to really talk. Another thing we do each camping vacation is read a book aloud together. This trip we read A Wrinkle in Time. I'd read it before, but it had been years. Trev had never read it. We highly recommend this quick little classic. Lovely.

Anywho - Thursday night we drove across the desert to Arizona. My favorite moment on this ride was when I asked Ivie if she wanted me to hang a blanket in her window so the sun wouldn't shine in her eyes. In all seriousness she replied, "No Mommy. I watch animals." Ummm....in the desert there are no animals to watch. This, however, didn't deter her, and every fifteen minute or so she'd yell some variation of "Mommy! where cows?" Daddy! Horses? Where animals?" Ironically, only after she fell asleep did we FINALLY see a fox dart across the road.

She is a champion traveler

And so is Rips - who thinks the best way to drive is with her nose under Trev's arm

We pulled into McHood State Park campground (a free campground in Arizona) really late. So we decided to just shove all our stuff out of the car, lay all the seats down and blow up our air mattress. Conveniently, I bought us a new air mattress this year on a Black Friday sale. HOWEVER, I failed to realize that I bought a TALL air mattress. Meaning that when we blew the thing up it was three feet tall in our car. We had to army crawl in on top of it, and sleep with our noses inches from the ceiling. WAY FUNNY!

Friday - We woke up, and rode bikes around McHood lake and creek. In another day camp area we found this awesome old retro playground, which Ivie loved. After a few hours of riding we loaded up and headed to the Petrified Forest - an hour away.

PF is amazing. Really an incredible place. Petrified Wood is hardly uncommon, it is found in every state in the country, but this national park has the largest deposit anywhere, and some of the prettiest crystallized wood around. We hiked several trails on Friday and took in the beautiful rock-tree formations. Some of these trees are 200 feet in length. One of my favorite moments was when Ivie crested the top of a little hill and, with her hands on her hips, looked out over the valley full of dark, long petrified wood below, shook her head and said with disgust, "Mommy, all these poops out there." She had a point, petrified logs do kinda resemble...well... :)

***As a side note - PF is the MOST dog-friendly national park we have been to thus far. Ripsi could come on all the trails with us, and we all loved that!

These are some of my favorite pictures from this day:

Ivie totally ZONKED in her pack

Friday Night -So, you can only camp in PF if you backpack in two miles from the main trails. We weren't quite up for this, so our camping plans were up in the air for Friday night. We knew we could always go back to McHood...but then I noticed that outside of PF one of the gift shops said that overnight parking/camping was allowed.

AND they had giant plywood tipis you could use. Trev was skeptical, but I said, how many times in a lifetime can you sleep in a giant plywood tipi? So the inside was a little cob-webby and dirty, but I totally made us do it. We put our tent ground cover out on the dirt floor and blew up our air mattress. Trev still rolls his eyes about staying there, but I thought it was pretty rad.

Inside the tipi

Saturday - The wind was whipping this day. It was so intense in fact, that it kind of quashed our extensive biking plans. So we did a little more hiking

Saw some amazing petroglyphs - Ivie loved peeking through the binoculars

and also drove to the North end of the park to take in some of the incredible views of the Painted Desert.

We also spent some time at the old Route 66 site in the park, and checked out this rusted-out classic.

By this time, the wind picked up a lot. We drove back to McHood, but by the time we got there, decided that the wind was whipping so much that we would be hard-pressed to keep a fire going to cook dinner on. We decided to drive ten minutes into Winslow (YEs - just like the Eagles song) to get something to eat.

At one time Winslow was a booming route 66 stop - today it is virtually a ghost town. Our eating options were: Pizza hut, Dennys, a coffee shop, the Subway in the Walmart, and a restaurant inside the Quality Inn. Trev is anti-pizza hut and really anti-Dennys...so into the hotel we went. While we were eating it started to snow outside. Some quick internet searches and the newsbreak on the TV informed us that a HUGE snowstorm was blowing in.

After some discussion, we decided to spend the night in the hotel and leave early Sunday morning.

Sunday Morning- We woke up to a MAD house in the Winslow hotel. The storm had dumped 2 feet of snow throughout Arizona and all the major highways and freeways were closed. There were people everywhere. I think Winslow's population tripled in the space of a few hours. The hotel manager kindly told us that we had until 11:00 to decide if we wanted our room another night, and that there were no plans to open the road until Monday. We waited until five to eleven, then booked the room again. It was a good choice. At this time there were people camping in the lobby. Along with having only four restaurants, Winslow has only a handful of hotels and motels as well.

Since we were snowed in, we hung out, relaxed a bit. Watched LOTS of netflicks on the I-Pad, and then we went to Wal-Mart and bought cheap swimsuits for Ivie and I. We spent lots of time swimming and ordered in pizza.

Above- Vegging' Out

Below - Swimming

All the while, we were laughing about getting snowed into Arizona. When the road was reopened and we were able to leave early the next morning, we couldn't believe the massive amounts of snow! In fact, we sat on the freeway for three hours behind an accident cleanup. During this long sitting we did see a band of pigs wandering along the road, much to Ivie's delight.

Reading a book with Dad while we sit on the road

All in all - this was definitely a trip of memories. It was such a funny get-away in so many ways. We loved every second of it. Ivie loved it too. She is way into rocks right now (my house is full of them) and she loves the color purple. We let her get this purple rock at a gift shop and it is currently among her most prized possessions. She calls it "my purple" (which totally reminds us of Golim's "My Precious") and LOVES it. Now that we are home she put it in a special bag and sleeps with it in her bed. A sweet park ranger also gave her an honorary Junior Ranger badge (usually kids have to do lots of activities to get one) she thought it was pretty sweet to have the badge pinned on her shirt as well.

We definitely would recommend a visit to the Petrified Forest, and I'd even recommend the plywood tipis. Just remember, the weather can be a bit unpredictable in March, even in Arizona :)